we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
