did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
