when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is wine microwaveable?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
