I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
