you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
