is your mom at the bar?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
