did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
