I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
