don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
