Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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