i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
FUCK WHALES
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
