one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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