I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
