I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
