So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
