so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
