Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
