took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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