Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
