And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
