Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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