THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
