Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
