he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
