You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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