your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
