Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Let's paint friendship bongs
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
