I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I am available for nakedness
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