Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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