Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
