if you like me you must not know who I am
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
