Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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