I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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