i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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