I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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