Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The struggles of a small town man whore
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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