So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
