also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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