we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My dick has a subreddit
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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