Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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