stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
