put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
