forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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