don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
