Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
