Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
