meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
