I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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