my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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