ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
