I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She told me I should be a condom model.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
