so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
