Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
