Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sext me about skeletons
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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